


Sleeping Alone

by Rogueinsomniac



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attack, Self-Harm, Was not supposed to be this sad, codependent actions, iwaoi - Freeform, matsuhana - Freeform, no beta we die like men, starts with Oimaki, trigger warning, way too long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 22,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29396379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogueinsomniac/pseuds/Rogueinsomniac
Summary: Matsuhana/Iwaoi Soulmate Au.Premise: When your soulmate is in danger you get a gut feeling that directs you toward them.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Hanamaki Takahiro/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea stuck in my head and it just kept repeating so here I am writing it down for you all.
> 
> -this starts off with Oimakki as a canon ship. If you think you'll have a problem with that then please don't read this.

I've been dating Hanamaki Takahiro since I was 15. It started out because he had the biggest crush on me our 1st year in Highschool. I would later come to fall in love with him. We don't know if we're soulmates or not. We've never been in mortal danger and neither have our soulmates. But we're content. I really wanted to find my soulmate when I was younger and when I first fell in love with Makki Makki I thought he might be the one. I still do. Most people meet their soulmate when they're young anyways. The statistic says that between the ages 14-18, nine out of ten people have already met their soulmates. It's rare for someone not to end up with their soulmate. So now, 7 years later at 22 I'm fairly certain he and I are destined to be together. It all makes sense.  
  


_Tooru and I are not soulmates. Is what I found out later this same year._


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the first few chapters are hard to read. Mostly because of how my style developed. When I rewrite or edit them it might flow better into what it should look like.

** Makki Pov **

"Makki..." I was editing an article sent in by one of my teammates. It was late and that was really annoying since it would now be my fault when it was given to publish later than expected. They had no respect for how long it took to fix their shitty writing. "Makki Makki..." Who writes like that? Seriously. I don't know how we're on the same team I write infinitely better than they do. The amount of spelling mistakes- is this a rough draft? "My one true love Hanamaki." I'm losing my mind. "TAKAHIRO!" 

I dropped my pen at the sound of Tooru's shrill voice. Was he calling for me?

"Oh Jesus Christ. What?" He looked at me expectantly from across the room legs folded criss crossed on the couch. 

"Come here. I need you." I'm working... but he's cute.

"You're so bossy." He smiled at me quite brightly. I wished he would always smile like that but he only does it when we're alone.

"You like me when I'm bossy." He knows me well.

"I like you all the time apparently. What do you want now?" He held out his arms and motioned for me to come to him and I did.

"A kiss please." I came over and sat in his lap which he made room for and gave him a small kiss as I looped my arms around his back.

"Cute very cute. You could have said that and I'd be less annoyed." He had a habit of asking for things in a harsh way even when what he wanted was small and benign. 

"I couldn't get your attention. You're very into your work." I was. I had been lately. The paper I wrote for was picking up a lot of attention but that meant that the quality should be better so I had less people on my team than before. It was stressful but it shouldn't be at home. Not when he's here

"Sorry." I was. I wanted to just hold him and look at him especially since he was playing in Japan right now and I got to see him more. I loved seeing him. He was the only person I wanted to see. It's why I took the job I did. 

I'd get to follow him around and report volleyball for the paper. They had to say yes. My writing was phenomenal and my pieces are always good. So I'm in charge of this section of the sports paper I write for and it works. We get to see eachother a lot more than we thought... but it's not enough. It's never enough because all I want is to see him. 

"What are you thinking?" I love his smile.

"I'm thinking about you. I'm glad you're back in Japan. I like sleeping in the same bed." I missed holding him. It had been two weeks because we both went to Brazil for one of his games where I had to report on a whole bunch of teams. I enjoyed seeing him play though. It's a bonus that he's so good at volleyball so I get to keep reporting on him.

"I like that too. I don't like hotels. I like you and you're warm." Not much of a compliment but very Oikawa.

"You only like me cause I'm warm?" He shrugged trying to be playful.

"Other stuff too." I squeezed my arms around him and released, like a quick hug of sorts. I felt like doing it a lot when he was cute.

"Oh very specific." 

"You know I love you." I did. he told me quite often and I never got sick of hearing it. He was good at paying attention to me when he needed to.

"You better. I spent seven years with you, you can't drop a bomb like that now." 

"Takahiro~" He complained. He was whiny and he used that voice when I teased him.

"Tooru~" I mimicked his tone and he pouted because of it. An expected reaction. 

"Don't copy me!" He shoved his face into my chest defeated and annoyed.

"I'm not copying you I'm making fun of you." 

"By copying me." He looked up in a serious way and widened his eyes to see me. 

"There might be some copying." He went right back to pouting after that.

"That's rude!" 

"Lot's of things are rude this is very low on the scale." He scrunched his face in a displeased manner.

"Well I hate it." Of course he does.

"Then I hate it too." 

"Good." He hugged me once more.

"Good." 

"Kiss me again." He looked back up at me from where his head was on my chest after the hug with doe like eyes pleading for my attention.

"You're so needy." 

"I just missed you. You're so pretty and lovely and I miss you. So kiss me." Ah. So he's gonna compliment me for more attention is that it?

"What if I said no? Like what if you just said all those nice things to me and I just said, no thanks I'm good." I liked to give him hypotheticals like that occasionally and he always responded with a dramatic answer.

"I'd cry." Dramatic.

"Damn. Must suck. No thanks, I'm good." 

"Hiro! No kiss me." He whined once more pushing me to give in.

"I'll kiss you. I love you." Tooru had the absolute softest lips. He always had some kind of chap stick on and I preferred when it was strawberry, today it was strawberry. He always wore it when we hadn't seen eachother for a while because he knew I liked it after I mentioned it to him once offhandedly. God he tasted like strawberries and he felt like love. 

"I wore it." He pointed out for praise.

"I noticed. You taste good." He kissed better.

"You taste like mint." It was gum. I had been chewing gum maybe 20 minutes ago but I guess the taste lingered.

"Good or bad?" 

"Good. Very good." And his smile was back just like that. I had spent years figuring out how Oikawa Tooru worked and what he needed and liked and at some point it all just clicked. I could read him better than anyone now. It's why I think we're soulmates. We met at the right time and we fit so well. We just need to test if it's true not that either of us want to get drastically hurt for that to happen.

"Alright we'll keep mint then." 


	3. Chapter 2

**Oikawa Pov**

I woke up in Takahiro's arms for the first time in far too long. I felt very warm and comfortable and knew I'd have to get up soon. I had practice in a little over an hour and a half and needed time to get ready. I didn't want to leave the bed or wake him up or disturb him or make him stop making the adorable face he was making but I had a stupid job that I loved waiting for me. 

"Hiro Hiro... Makki Makki... I'm gonna move you. I'm sorry I love you." I got out of his grasp and onto the floor which of course woke him up. 

"Tooru it's so early... You should just come back and tell your teammates you're better than them anyways and they need the practice." I laughed at what he said. He always thought I was the best... I mean... I am the best. But the fact that he knows it and points it out makes me happy. 

"I can't do that, that's mean. If you get up I'll make breakfast. I want you to see me off." He perked up at the mention of food and sat up accordingly. 

"I heard food. Let's shower so we can eat I've never been so hungry." How dramatic of him. We're starting to sound the same. Isn't that something that happens to old couples? They develop similar personality traits.

"You're not that hungry." He was starting to get out of bed and did so just to come over to me.

"I'm hungry enough." He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned on me. I could tell he was still tired from how he had done it.

"Do you want to shower first?" He shook his head into my chest.

"No you can I'll get my clothes and iron your practice uniform." I felt very conventional with him. I loved it.

"You love me..." 

"And pancakes keep that in mind. Now go before my stomach acid eats through stomach lining." He perked up again and let go of me to go get my uniform.

"Don't say that. I hate that." He said things in such a gross way. It gave me the chills sometimes.

"Then take a shower!" He was definitely hungry.

"Maybe I will." 

"Thank god." I finally got in the shower as requested. It took maybe 25 minutes for both of us to shower and get dressed. We had quite the routine and had gotten good at making it go smoothly. He helped style and fluff my hair ushering me along so I would cook. 

Once I had finished cooking he hugged me really tightly and then took both our plates to the dining room so we could eat as soon as possible. We were both absolutely useless cooks when we moved in together but now here we are eating edible meals together that taste far above average in my opinion. We had grown quite a lot together.

At some point I had to leave for work and so did he. 

"Don't get into trouble." He kissed me after saying that and searched my eyes for something. 

"I don't plan to." He told me everytime before we parted not to get in trouble. It was like a warning to be careful of some sorts. He didn't want me to get hurt. Not that I wanted to. I was very careful not to.

"Good. I love you." He also said that. It was a good parting of ways that I liked to replay in my mind. 

"I love you too. I have to go." I was going to be late if I didn't leave soon.

"Good luck." 

"You too!" I shouted at him as I ran down the stairs of our apartment and to go catch transit to work. 

I loved volleyball... I did. Though everytime I left Makki to go to it I felt upset. I could be with him right now. But it was work, we both had to have jobs. I don't want to see it s just a job but that's what it's become in some ways. Not that I don't like to win. I don't think he knows though. That volleyball is no longer my priority. That I want him and not my sport. I had often got consumed into it but now I can't the same way anymore. It's disappointing. 

When I showed up I fixed myself in the locker room before coming out to the court. 

"Oikawa. Not on the court. You're with Iwaizumi today." Twice a month my team would all have a day with our teams physical therapist to check on us and help us with our injuries. However I had already been twice this month.

"But it's not my time yet." I was ready to play why couldn't he see that.

"He requested." He... requested?

"Oh..." 

I took myself back to the changing room and down the hall way to where his office was. It was a large office that connected to a room used for exercise. 

"You called for me?" He looked up at me from his clip board and studied me. 

"Yes." He put down his clip board and pen and turned himself toward me by swiveling his chair.

"For what?" He always had an intense expression on his face when he was with me. I don't think he likes me much. That bothers me.

"Your knee." Why does he know? Have I done anything?

"What _about_ my knee?" He looked annoyed when I said that. He didn't like my answer.

"You were playing weird during practice yesterday. Did it get hurt again? Does it hurt?" Dammit. I was hoping no one had noticed. Of course he noticed though. It's his job.

"I don't know what you're talking about." God I don't want to be here.

"Don't lie to me. What's wrong with your knee." Here's the part where he makes me give in.

"I think it's just sprained." I'm fairly certain that's what it is. It's happened enough times for me to know without a diagnosis.

"Then you shouldn't be playing for at least a week." He started to get something from the cupboard next to him. I bet it's to wrap my knee. Dammit.

"I need to play." If I don't play I won't see Makki as much.

"No what you need is to heal your goddamn knee Oikawa. The team can wait." But Makki can't.

"Then what am I supposed to do instead of practice?" What am I going to do out of commission?

"I'll request you for the week. You can come here and help fix yourself." No. I can't stop for a week. My skills will get worse.

"I don't want to do that." I can't.

"Do that or I'll have your coach bench you." Always with the threats. He took my leg and started to wrap it tightly.

"You're a mean doctor." He pulled on the bandage and glared at me.

"Shut up. I'm helping." 


	4. Chapter 3

** Mattsun Pov **

Iwa's always at work when I'm left at home. This week at least. I've just been sent stuff to edit for our paper at home this week because I'm currently sick. It's nothing bad but since a lot of our staff has to travel I can't risk getting them sick. So I'm home alone. I hate being alone. It's the whole reason Iwa and I moved in together. That and it's cheaper than living alone. He also cleans a lot so everything is just nicer in general. Though he travels a lot with the team he works for. So again, I'm alone. 

I don't really know what to do when I'm alone. I think maybe that makes me boring that I'm always bored when I'm alone. My mom use to say "Only boring people get bored Issei." So I guess that's what I am, boring. 

I spent several hours waiting till Iwa would come home. He arrived at 8 pm on the dot, punctual as always. 

"How was Oikawa today?" He was putting away his bag from work when I asked that. 

"I finally let him back on the court. So he's fine. Why do you only ask about him?" That's a stupid question.

"He's the only one you talk about. I don't know any of the other player's names." That and I'm fairly certain you have a crush on him. No one talks about someone that much without having feelings for them. Though I'm not sure he knows because he's never liked anyone before.

"I'm sure I talk about the others." Not at all. Literally never. I don't know who anyone else is. If I hadn't seen some of the games I would have thought Oikawa was the only one on the team.

"You really don't. Just him. I'm glad he's okay." 

"I'm making him wear a brace when he plays. Hopefully it helps, I know he still wants to play. He complained about even not being at practice. I'm sure every other member would be fine with a week off but not him. No, all he wanted was to get back on the court. I don't know anyone as dedicated as him." Yeah. I'm right. Too bad for him though.

"He's doing it for his partner." His damn gorgeous fantastic partner who he definitely doesn't deserve.

"What? What partner?" How can he not know? They're obsessed with eachother.

"Hanamaki. He works with me. Oikawa and him are pretty much engaged. He's got photos on his desk of them. He's the brownish pinkish haired one that shows up to all the matches to report. It's his job he reports on all things Japanese Volleyball for our paper. He also edits. I don't know how he does both but he does. They've got these matching bracelets and Oikawa brings it to his games. I'm sure Oikawa's talked about him." I'm positive he talks about him actually.

"Oh- he calls him umm... Makki Makki? Or... Hiro? Is that who that is? I never put that together." A complete moron my best friend is.

"Then you're an idiot. Yeah he calls him Makki Makki. He pretty much screams it into the phone everytime he calls Hanamaki." It's really annoying, damn annoying. Everytime Hanamaki takes a break he calls Oikawa and Oikawa always screams. I can't be too upset. If I was with someone like Hanamaki I'd probably be all over them too.

"You really hate Oikawa." 

"No." I'm jealous. Far too jealous of someone I don't know.

"It's because you have a crush on Hanamaki, right?" Yes.

"Shut up." I didn't like to talk about it because I knew it wasn't going to happen. They were already together. Seven years at that.

"Well are they soulmates?" They haven't said.

"I don't know." 

"Well that's all that really matters isn't it? If they aren't soulmates then you have a chance." That's such a stupid rule. Everyone is with their soulmate and for what? Who decides that's who you're supposed to be with? I don't really see the point in it. If I found someone I loved why isn't that enough? Why do I need fate to determine it? Why i it always right?

"People have gotten married to people besides their soulmates before." 

"That's not a huge number Mattsun. That's an incredible small number especially in Japan." Not that it's common. Not that it really ever happens but maybe just maybe if they aren't soulmates they are also the exception.

"I'm just saying. They might." 

"Do you think he might be your soulmate?" All the signs point to it but it's premature really. Unless I get seriously injured there's no way to know before.

"I don't know. I was really drawn to him when we first met. I still am but it's not like I've gotten drastically hurt so I don't know." The whole system seems dumb to me but again I guess that's just how people who haven't met their soulmates think. Everyone whose met there's has nothing bad to say about the system so that's probably my issue. I have no idea who it is but maybe they will stop my complaints.

"And is he? Drawn to you I mean." I don't know. We barely talk. He's so into Oikawa that I've barely met him for anything other than when we are forced to travel together to report on meets. I wouldn't really know if he's drawn to me because every waking moment of his seems to be spent thinking of the man he wants to marry. I don't blame him at all. He seems so in love it must hurt.

"Probably not. It wouldn't work. He has Oikawa. He's not just going to leave him. We're just coworkers" 


	5. Chapter 4

** Iwaizumi Pov **

Later that next month I understood exactly what Mattsun had meant about Oikawa being obsessed with his partner. I hadn't ever really noticed it till Mattsun pointed it out but now it's painfully obvious. He is very in love with this Hanamaki guy. The same Hanamaki who Mattsun also obsesses over. What a train wreck. 

"...He's coming to our next match to report because it's important. Ugh I hope I do well. I love when he writes about me. He describes me in the most flattering way. The way he writes gives me butterflies. He's the best reporter there is. He probably could report on anything but he chose sports and volleyball because of me. Isn't that cute? I think it's cute. I want his to write something like a book though. In his style I'm sure anything would look good. I'm good at a lot of things but I could never write like him. I should be jealous but I'm just proud. He's amazing." I don't know how I possibly didn't notice something as obvious as that. I see him everyday and up until recently I've never realized Oikawa was even in a relationship. 

"You talk a lot." Now that it was pointed out it was almost annoying how much he talked about his partner. Though I guess if you're that in love you're bound to want to rave about them.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I hadn't realized. He's just on my mind." He looked embarrassed that I had pointed it out. I don't know why that made me feel bad. 

"He's always on your mind." Our visit this month was mostly being taken up by that but I felt bad anyways. He got quiet when I shut him down.

"That's true. I miss him." I don't know how you can miss someone you see as much as he sees Hanamaki. I feel a bit jealous of their love almost like it makes me uncomfortable.

"You'll see him when you get home." That was said in the least reassuring tone. I definitely sound annoyed. He noticed, he laughed.

"Also true. I just have to power through till then." He says that like this is some kind of mission. Like he doesn't care what happens till then as long as he sees him. I don't know why that's annoying to me but it is. It's irking me and it shouldn't.

"You know. I always thought you were obsessed with volleyball because you liked it. But that's not really it. Is it?" He doesn't really give a shit about volleyball. I always enjoyed watching him because I thought he loved volleyball. I might have admired him for it at one point.

"Oh. It used to be. I used to love volleyball because of all kinds of reasons but now... now it's just to see him. The better I am the more we see eachother. I guess I'm obsessed with him a lot more than I am my job." He was and I felt very empty at that thought. He was once in love with his job but now it's just something he does. He lost his love because he found another. It feels more tragic than it is.

"It's a bit disappointing. I had never seen someone love what they do so much but that's not it so I guess I still haven't." He was interesting to me. He tried so hard to be the best and I always imagined and was told that he just loved the sport. Oikawa did volleyball because it was his passion. To find out that that isn't true is something I don't enjoy to think about. I for whatever reason really wanted and needed him to love volleyball. 

"Well sorry to disappoint. You might have really liked me a while back though. I was just like you imagined. Volleyball was everything to me. It was all I had." I can't imagine him when he was younger and into volleyball like he describes. I probably would have liked him when he was like that. Probably more than I'd like to admit.

"Yeah. Maybe I would have liked you." His face dropped as he turned over his shoulder to look at me from where he was now standing on the scale in the corner of the room.

"What! You don't like me now then?" Ah. That is what I just said technically. Well it's not all untrue. He's really obnoxious and god he talks a lot. I've never met anyone who talks as much as he does.

"Not really. You're kind of incredibly and unbelievably annoying now." I thought that might have hurt his feelings more but instead he just laughed at me.

"Don't use big words. You'll hurt you're brain." What an asshole. I hate that he does it back to me.

"Unbelievably is not a big word asshole!" I'm aware he doesn't think I'm unintelligent but it pissed me off anyways.

"Not to someone like me. But to you~" That mocking tone of his was really getting under my skin. The way he talked annoyed me quite bit.

"I'll hurt your knee again, I swear to god." He crossed his arms and gave me an unimpressed look.

"You wouldn't dare. You need me. I make our team good and you need that for your job." He's not wrong. I hate that. I hate him.

"I hate you." 

"Don't brood too much, it'll ruin your face and give you wrinkles." He came over and pressed the middle of my forehead as to un-furrow my brow which did kind of work out of my surprise.

"You're a real prick Oikawa." He walked away and sat back down on the office chair he had pulled out for himself earlier.

"I'm a delight. You might just like me." He smiled at me and it didn't look so fake right now like it usually does with his team. Somehow I liked that look of his a bit too much.

"Yeah. The day I like you is the day the world ends asshole."

"I'm counting on it then."


	6. Chapter 5

** Mattsun Pov **

I have to work late at the office all this week but why, today of all days am I all alone? No one is here and I'm left to lock up. It's a bit irritating the situation, it was kind of just thrown at me as an off handed thing by my boss. Hanamaki was here though, till maybe 20 minutes ago. He stayed late with me, saying he felt bad leaving me alone but that his boyfriend would be concerned if he didn't come home by at least 9. 

I was grateful that he stayed, not that I expected him to. I had actually expected to be all alone tonight. I don't enjoy being alone, and I definitely don't enjoy not seeing others for so long. When I was asked to stay late I didn't think anything of it till I realized I wouldn't have anyone with me. So when Hanamaki saw me and heard I had to stay back all alone, of course he stayed because that's the kind of guy he is. He wants everyone around him to be happy all the time even at the stake of his own feelings. You can just tell. 

It's not like he's close to me at all. In fact I'd say we're fairly distant. He's distant from everyone though. Everyone but his partner. So it's always odd to see how he interacts with others. It all looks very natural to him, conversing with others. I think I might be a bit jealous of him because I don't think he minds being alone. I think he talks to other people for their sake and that makes me feel all the more incompetent. I hate being alone and would really quite enjoy talking to others but I don't. He can do it all though. He can have it all. 

I hope he got home okay in this weather. Today it was raining unbeknownst to me. Hanamaki seemed surprised at the fact as well, so I can't imagine he was prepared. I hadn't brought an umbrella. I felt quite unlucky about today. The news hadn't said a thing about a storm and yet here it was pouring rain. I was building up the courage to walk outside in the pouring rain, not dressed well for the weather in the slightest.

When I finally left work I got only to right outside the door before something caught my eye. There was a person laying down in the middle of the street, water surrounding them. Oh my god. What are they doing? Are they hurt? Oh... oh... I think they're bleeding. Oh holy shit. That's a lot of blood. I immediately took off in their direction.

When I ran over through the water to help them I realized too late why they were laying down in the middle of the street. The telephone wire next to our building had come crashing down in the storm. The entire pool of water we were now laying in was lit with electrical currents. 

I think I should have passed out from the current but I hadn't. I moved myself just enough to not be in the electrical water. I felt immense shock from what was happening right now. I think I'm going to die. 

I should be dead, should I not? If I don't get help right now... am I going to die? If the woman in that pool going to die because I didn't notice the telephone pole and stupidly made myself a second victim. Oh my god, am I actually going to die right now? ...Where is my soulmate?

If this were any other time I think I might have been excited because this means I'll meet my soulmate, right? But right now I just feel scared. My feet really really hurt and I can't move. Oh my god, I can't move. Where is my soulmate?

I didn't think I'd be this scared to die but it feels very very real right now. I don't want to die right now. I really don't. Where is my soulmate? If I knew I was going to die today I would have said something differently to Iwa this morning. I would have said goodbye properly. I would have asked Hanamaki to stay a little bit longer with me. I would have done a lot of things. 

How long have I been laying here for? It feels like forever, why am I dying so slowly? Is it not enough for me to just die immediately. Where is my soulmate? Can the pain not stop? Why does it hurt so much? I can't feel my body right now. I feel very existential and real right now. It's all too much. 

Where is my soulmate? Do they not know I'm in danger? Do I not have one? Or... do they not care? ...Am I going to die because they don't want to find me?

They should know I'm in danger... shouldn't they? I'm not gonna die because they can't find me... right? They should know... so why has it been so long and they haven't come? 

I don't actually have to die if they find me. So, why is no one here? I'm really going to die all alone right now. I have never felt more alone than I do right now. There's suppose to be someone meant for me that's supposed to find me at the most necessary and pivotal moment in their life. When I'm in the most danger but... no one is here.


	7. Chapter 6

** Makki Pov **

As soon as I got home I had expected to see Oikawa waiting for me. Though that was not the case. I assumed he had stayed late tonight. He said he might have to but he also said he was going to try and be here before me. So I guess I'm a little disappointed. Or at least that's how I felt right up until it started. 

I had heard about how it feels to know your soulmate was in danger but this is completely different. It was like I had just been shocked and my brain went on autopilot telling me I needed to go somewhere. 

...Oikawa must have gotten hurt. I immediately checked my phone and there were no new messages. He would have texted me he was coming back late. He's in danger. He should still be at work. Oh god oh god. What the fuck did Tooru do? And why is it raining so hard? 

His work wasn't far from where we lived. I could run. I put my shoes back on and sprinted out the door and down the side walk. God, I hope it's not that bad. It just needs to be almost right? But... he could really be hurt... oh god oh god. Fuck. 

I got there as soon as I could and I slammed the door to the gym open and there he was... 

Perfectly fine. 

"I thought you were dead." He should be in danger. How is it that he's just standing there. What's going on? Am I wrong? I that not the feeling? I don't understand.

"What? I'm sorry, I should have messaged you, shouldn't I? Uhh this is Iwaizumi he's helping me with..." He should be hurt. He should be lying on the floor covered in blood or something. He should be about to die so why... why is he fine? Why do I want him not to be fine? 

"No. You should be hurt right now. Why aren't you hurt?" I felt my eyes start to water as warm tears came down my cheeks. I realized exactly why he is not in pain. How can that be? It's him. I know it's him.

"I'm sorry?" Oh my god. I screwed up. How can it not be him? How can it not be Tooru? I don't... understand. 

My chest hurt so much right then. I felt like I was going through a large wave of emotions at that moment. My mind felt very clouded and everything was wrong.

"Oh my god... it's not you. No... it has to be you. It has to be. I... I feel sick." I shouldn't have wanted Tooru to be in immediate danger but I did. I wanted him to be in so much pain right now because then that would mean I came to the right place. That we were meant to be. I felt sick in the head for thinking that.

"What do you mean it's not me?" Oh god. I hadn't even thought about what that means. There's someone else.

"Someone's in danger right now but I... I just... I thought it was you." Someone is dying right because I came here. I'm letting someone die. My soulmate is dying. I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle all this right now. This is too much. 

I can feel my body shaking from the cold and from nerves. I had never been so panicked before. There was so much going on I couldn't comprehend. I think I'm having a panic attack at probably the worst time imaginable. I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now. Everyone is in pain because of me.

"Who's in danger?" I looked back up at Tooru who looked very lost and who was now holding my hands with who I think is his athletic trainer was coming across the gym to get to us. 

"My soulmate. I think. I think that's what that is. Like... I just know. They're hurt somewhere but I... I came to find you." I could barely answer him. My voice was shaking and I was crying o much I could barely see. 

"It's not me?" I wiped my tears to see him and he had the most hurt and shocked face on. Because how could it possibly not be him? How were we not right? Who decided we weren't right? 

"Hey what's going on you're getting the floor wet." The athletic trainer was now next to us and lecturing me. I didn't want to hear it. I was incredibly upset at a lot of things.

"I think my soulmate is dying." I could not stop shaking. My knees felt weak and I could barely breath. I felt quite faint and the look Tooru was giving me was quite possibly the look of the saddest person on the planet. He was devastated. 

"Then what are you doing? Go find them?" How can I? How can I...

"Well it's really fucking hard, isn't it?! The system is shit!" I was mad. I was really mad but mostly at myself. I'm letting someone die right now because I don't know what I'm doing. 

It's like my body, my brain is screaming at me to go somewhere but I don't know how to listen. How is it not Tooru? It should be him. It should have been him. What the fuck. Dammit. Dammit, I need to find them. They're going to die. I can't think about Tooru right now no matter how much he means to me. 

"Makki. Calm down and then just follow wherever it tells you to go. We'll be right behind you to help." Tooru told me in the sweetest most heart wrenching voice. As much as my heart was breaking right now so was his, just as much. Fuck. Fuck, I love him. Why is he helping when it's not him. How... Okay... I need to calm down. I'm okay. I just... calm down Takahiro. I just need to find them.


	8. Chapter 7

**Oikawa Pov**

An unimaginable sense of dread was flowing through my body as the blood in my body suddenly felt cold and thick and everything slowed to reach my pace of understanding. I watched Takahiro breath in a nonrhythmic and panicked fashion as his hands gripped his hair. I saw Iwaizumi next to me looking lost and unsure of the current detriment this situation was truly holding. I saw everything in slow motion because the universe had wanted me to remember this moment to the last second. Nothing would be rushed if it meant I could be in pain for just a little while longer. 

They say some of the worst experiences can slow down just enough to make an everlasting second. That had never been more true than it was right now because I was in fact not meant to be with Hanamaki Takahiro. There was no mistake about that and unfortunately no matter how much I wanted to ignore it someone else was waiting for him at this second. 

The universe does not care about my love for Takahiro. No, if fact the universe is actively frowning upon it at this moment. It's telling me over and over in my head at this moment that we are not meant to be. It's telling me that this is not love because how could it be if his soulmate is dying and he's being lead toward him. How could it be love if the universe doesn't believe so? Is what my mind is screaming at me, as I watch him cry wet and heavy tears watching me as I say nothing. 

Iwaizumi piped up to finally speak again after seeing both Takahiro in his panicked state and me, breathless and at a loss for words trying my best to be there for him. "Maybe just start walking somewhere and if it's wrong your mind will tell you to correct it," is what he said being the only one of us who could think of a good solution for how to get his brain that was clearly dealing with too much to work properly. And because it was not only a good idea but also the only one we had, he tried it and Iwaizumi and I ran out the door with him in both my practice uniform and his work clothes. 

It was pouring outside just as it was said to be. That fact made looking for someone far more difficult. Not only were we all soaking wet as Takahiro shouted directions but seeing was becoming more and more difficult as we ran. 

"Left!" 

"Can you tell if we're close?" I was yelling back to him from behind. 

"I think so? I can't really tell! The directions feel worsened by the rain but I think that's just because I can't focus!" He was shouting back at us as we we're running. 

Iwaizumi pulled out his phone and got on call with the paramedics to tell them we needed their help whenever we found the correct location. 

As we ran my mind went back to the panic I had been in earlier. I had barely left that state and yet I was sprinting down streets sloshing through the rain. There was no reason for me to be able to do this right now. I'm calling it pure adrenaline that keeps me from crying. 

When Takahiro finds his soulmate... what does that mean? Does that mean we're over? I don't enjoy to think about that fact. Actually thinking about it makes me feel quite sick and detestable toward it all. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle watching him with anyone else. I'm not sure I want anyone else. Can the universe not be wrong this once? Could that not be a real possibility that we could be meant to be just as much as any other pair? 

I keep telling myself not to cry because he won't leave me, because Takahiro loves me just as much as I love him. And everytime I tell myself that I know that maybe... maybe it's not true. Maybe he really doesn't want me as much. Maybe he really won't continue to love me when he finds his soulmate. 

So, what am I going to do if all of my good firsts have been with Makki. And what am I going to do if he leaves me for his soulmate? What am I going to do if this is the end? What am I going to do then? Who am I playing for then? Who am I living for then? Who will love me then? 

And then when we turn the street once more I begin to cry silently as the rain pours over us because if Makki does leave me I will be alone. I don't want to think about going back to that. I don't want to think that one morning when I wake up he won't be there. I don't think I can handle sleeping all by myself. I don't think I can handle anything by myself. If he does leave me I have no one. And for that I blame the universe. 


	9. Chapter 8

** Makki Pov **

As we rush down the street, sopping wet in the now more intense than ever thunderstorm I start to realize something. 

This is the way to my office. My work office.

Do I know them?

I've never really talked to anyone at my work. I don't remember anyone... have I spoken to anyone? Shouldn't I have talked to my soulmate before? Isn't that the general thing? I know them and if that's true do they know me? Do they know it's me? Are they waiting for me? ...Are they waiting for me specifically? 

And with all that rushing through my mind I quickly turned the street to terrifying sight. Two separate people lying quite far apart in a large pool of water. One of them just barely out of the water. That's him.

Sprinting down the street and shouting at Oikawa the address I made my way to his body staying clear of the pool of water per Iwaizumi's request. I took off my jacket and loosely wrapped it around his arm and drug him toward me farther away from the water and made careful not to touch him. I can see him breathing so he's still alive.

Thank god. I didn't kill him thank god. I didn't kill him... 

I didn't realize how pent up and nervous I was for this moment until I felt the tears streaming down my face, mixing with the rain. I heard the paramedics ambulance roaring down the street and the bright lights flashed over us as they rushed to our side and the separate ambulance (per Iwaizumi's request) had started the same across from us to the other person. 

It didn't hit me till I saw his face but I'm sure I know the man in my arms. Though I've never paid attention to him and honestly I can't even remember his name yet here I am crying over him. Who am I to cry over a man I don't know or have any feelings toward? 

But I'm not crying over that... am I? I'm crying for him because I didn't come sooner. I'm crying for Tooru because he just received the worst possible news with no notice. And selfishly I am crying for myself because honestly I didn't want any of this and I don't want to deal with it either. How awful does that make me? It feels awful but all I can think is "why". Why is it me? Why is it happening to me? 

I think that the man in front of my must have passed out from the shock of the electrical current. I'm surprised he isn't dead I spent seven or ten minutes getting here. Probably the longest minutes of all of our lives. Though he's alive no thanks to me really. I've done nothing for him. I ignored the directions at first. He'd be less hurt if I didn't go to Tooru. But... of course I went to him. I had hoped it was him. It should have been him. 

So why am I the one in the ambulance with this man who I don't know? Because we're soulmates? I don't even know him. Would he even want me here if he was awake to decide? They just let me go because... because what? Because we're soulmates? I don't know him. Why am I going to the hospital? Is there no one else? God what if there's no one else... 

"Do you know what hospital we're going to?" I asked the paramedic who was currently stabilizing him. 

"It's on 5th. It's the only one there." I nodded and immediately turned to my phone to text Tooru who would be going there to meet me. I'm not sure why he keeps coming with me and supporting me. How can he not be upset? No rather how can he not show it? How is he pushing all that down while this is going on? 

The response I got from Tooru was not one I expected. After telling me he'd be coming to the hospital he said Iwaizumi would also be coming because my soulmate who I'm going to the hospital with is his best friend. 

I almost killed his best friend. I was trying very hard not to focus on my soulmate in front of me. I tried to look at my phone or the shelves in the ambulance. I focused out the back window but everything was so hard to keep track of while my mind was racing. The entire ambulance smelled of latex and it made me feel sick. The noise, the smell, the lights burning from the ceiling as they fought to keep him in a good position for when they handed him over to the doctors it was all overwhelming when what I really wanted to do was cry.

When we got to the hospital it was much worse. I was ushered inside and made to fill out forms that I honestly couldn't answer until they realized I really had no idea who he was and that we had just met. Due to the fact that most every soulmate pairing had a connection and knew eachother by a certain time and that we had passed that time they must have assumed the same for us. I waited for a quite a while on my lonesome, sopping wet in the lobby until they let me go to his room. 

I had never wanted to be somewhere less. I hated being alone in this room with him. I felt more uncomfortable than I ever had before and when I saw Oikawa come in with dry clothes for me and coffee I thought I might cry. I had texted them that his condition was okay and they offered because we would be staying night and again- I was soaking wet. Though even after having changed I didn't feel better. I just felt sick. All I wanted to do was cry to Tooru but he was feeling just as badly as I was and I didn't have the heart so we just sat their close to my soulmates bed with Tooru and I holding hands unwilling to let go till absolutely necessary. 


	10. Chapter 9

** Mattsun Pov **

Florescent and blinding lights above my bed at the hospital. That's what I woke up to. I'm not sure if they just can't turn them off or if they hate me but it's seriously bugging me and I seem to not be able to fall back asleep. 

And then it hit me. I'm not dead. How am I not dead? I remember passing out and that's all. Did my soulmate find me? Or someone else? 

I turned my head to the side to see Iwa asleep with his head near my legs, sitting in a chair asleep and leaning on the bed. And to my right I heard breathing as well. On that side was Hanamaki and Oikawa leaning on eachother, asleep and holding hands. ...Who found me? 

Do they ALL know eachother? I thought Iwa didn't know Hanamaki. So what happened? Is the lady okay? I have so many questions but most pressingly, this is an unbelievable uncomfortable position. Who laid me down? God my neck hurts. I tried to push myself up into a sitting position and as soon as I did that a shooting pain ran through my arms and back. 

"Jesus Christ." Why did that hurt so much? 

As soon as I swore Iwa turned his head and looked up at me and then widened his eyes as soon as he saw I was awake. He got up quickly and called for the doctor. The doctor asked me several questions about how I was feeling and upped my Morphine dose after hearing about how much pain I was in. That was the best news since I got up in addition to the fact that I was now sitting up right in the bed. He left and my attention was turned to Hanamaki, Oikawa and Iwaizumi who were all up and talking to eachother. 

Hanamaki brought his gaze to meet mine and physically tensed up before talking. 

"...How are you?" He looked nervous and kept dropping his eyes from mine before looking back up.

"Oh. I'm okay." That's not true. I have no idea why I said that. I'm clearly not okay but that felt like the right thing to say. 

"We work together, don't we?" That was not the next question I was expecting. Does he not know who I am? I surely know who he is. 

"Umm yes. I'm Matsukawa Issei. We've worked together in writing quite a bit. I mostly edit though..." Usually Hanamaki is bright and positive but he seems to have lost all that since I last saw him. 

"Oh... I'm sorry I don't really remember too much of that. I'm glad you're okay." He went back to his seat and sat down while Iwaizumi talked to Oikawa for quite a while. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Hanamaki who was sitting hunched over with his head in his hands. I knew I was the one in the hospital bed but whatever he was going through seemed more important. Is that my fault? Have I killed his charm? I have never seen Hanamaki Takahiro look as pained as he does today. 

It felt wrong to see him looking like he is. Eventually he sat back up and crossed his legs in the chair. He seemed not to want to talk to anyone and very uncomfortable being here. I had always known Hanamaki as someone who liked to talk to others and thrived with people around but right now that was not the case. He was sneaking glances at Oikawa who was not not talking to Iwaizumi and sitting in a chair that has been next to Hanamaki but was now pulled closer to the corner of the room where he was reading. He has claimed it was because of the light and that he could see better from the corner but I think there was more going on. They seemed quite awkward around eachother. 

Iwa eventually talked to me which was much needed because the burning discomfort in the room made me feel like dying. 

"Does anything hurt?" Sometimes I forget that Iwa technically has a medical degree and that he acts like this because of that. It throws me off.

"A little but it's not like before. Moving isn't so bad." I was incredibly glad for that fact. I could not continue being in so much pain every minute.

"The doctor thinks you'll be okay in about a week but that certain places might scar from the electrical burn. Places that weren't treated soon enough." A scar? That's kind of cool. Not how I'd want to get them though. But... oh well.

"Oh. Like where?" I realize I haven't actually seen myself so I might just be scared everywhere and not know.

"Certain parts on your legs and feet. Nothing above that. You're quite lucky really." Oh? Only there? That's less than I was expecting.

"Do you know what happened to the lady? She was doing far worse than I was." She was fully in the water. I was less hurt than she was. I'm sure her scars are worse.

"Oh... umm. Yeah we know." ....oh.

"Oh." 

"They said she died instantly from being hit into the ground because of the pole that hit her. So it wasn't painful. She would have been dead before you got to her. That's what you were doing right? I mean you were in such an awkward position. You wouldn't have been electrocuted if you didn't go in." I can't believe she died. I could have died. Thank god Iwaizumi found me.

"I didn't see the poles." I didn't really see anything but the injured lady. I just moved on instinct. 

"You're a dumbass. I thought you were going to die when I saw you. Do you know how terrifying that was? They didn't let me go in the ambulance with you." I can imagine I ended up putting him through a lot. As much of a prick as he is he does care about me. He's a good best friend for me.

"Why not?" Why couldn't he go in the ambulance with me?

"Because they couldn't confirm who I was to you. Your soulmate had to go instead." My... my who? 

"My soulmate?" 

"Yeah. Hanamaki."


	11. Chapter 10

** Iwaizumi Pov  **

Complete and utter silence had filled the room. It was so quiet that I could notice Oikawa's page turning had stopped. He had been staring at the same page for ten minutes looking defeated and broken. It was an expression he had never worn before and that I had honestly hoped he never would wear. Oikawa Tooru was not to be broken and for some reason it hurt to see him that way. 

I had also been painfully aware of the tension between Hanamaki and Mattsun since I had said that they were soulmates aloud. Immediately after that Mattsun's eyes shot wide and Hanamaki looked like he might cry. Oikawa buried himself in his book and everyone went silent so I followed suit. 

Though now the silence was deafening and I couldn't bare to watch them bury their words like this. Someone needs to speak and that won't happen with all four of us in the room. I stood up and everyone's eyes shot toward me as this was the loudest noise in the past 20 minutes of straight nothingness. 

"Oikawa we need to talk outside." His eyes burned with anguish and his jaw clenched like he was trying to break his teeth. He spit out a "fine" before joining me to go outside. "We're going to get coffee, we'll bring you both something back." I shot my gaze to Mattsun before continuing outside. 

I had hoped he'd understood why I looked at him. He needed to talk to Hanamaki because they can't leave things so tense. I don't fully understand the situation but I do understand that Hanamaki doesn't want Mattsun as his soulmate and that that is creating mass amounts of strain on their would be relationship. 

"Why are we outside. You don't need me for coffee Iwaizumi." Oikawa's eyes were sharp and burning. The usual intense and teasing Oikawa was now edging toward anger and tears. More pressingly anger. 

"They need to talk." If they don't talk soon it's just going to build. He should know that.

"They could have done that with us in there." He knows that's not true. He's not stupid but looking at him I'm sure he's angry and it's probably not at me.

"You think Mattsun's going to talk with Hanamaki's boyfriend in the room? They needed us to leave." His face tightened and he looked more upset than I had ever seen anybody. He was fuming. "Why are you so angry?" We had gotten out the doors of the hospital and into the court yard when I asked that. It wasn't raining right now but the sky was cloudy and dark still, it almost felt like it was still night.

"Aren't doctors supposed to be smart? You sound like an utter moron right now Iwaizumi. I'm sure you can figure it out." I'm aware of why he's mad. I had assumed that if I talked with him then he would calm down but that slowly seems to not be being the case. I'm not sure if he's angry or just trying not to break down but it's a bit unnerving either way.

"But if you're not soulmates you have someone else just like he does. You can just be with them." Immediately after saying that I regretted it. I knew I was being insensitive but I couldn't stop myself. Words kept spilling out and unintentionally giving Oikawa a worse and worse expression that looked closer to breaking by the minute.

"Has it maybe occurred to you that I don't want anyone else?" He snapped at me. I can't imagine just having eyes for one person and believing that that is your only option... no that that is the only option you want. It seems unreal to me because I have never felt that deeply about anyone, ever.

"So if you found your soulmate you'd rather be with Hanamaki?" How many pointless questions can I ask seems to be the game I'm playing today. I should have dropped it.

"Do you know how stupid you sound? If given the choice I'd pick Hanamaki everytime. No questions asked." No questions asked is a strong statement to make. I wouldn't do anything no questions asked.

"And so what if he wants Mattsun. Then what." Then what? What am I saying? I shouldn't be egging someone on that's already this close to collapsing. 

"I don't know." This was a different response for many reasons. The main one being that when he said it he sounded weak. He spoke softly and his voice was no longer strong, and it reflected poorly upon his mental state.

"You guys have been together for..." Oikawa's eyes looked like they were watering when I asked.

"Seven years. I've been with Takahiro for seven years nearing on eight." ...Oh god. I'm sure if I had been with someone for so long I might answer the same. Everything I said had been several insensitive.

"Oh..." 

"I don't know what I'd do without him. I don't want to be alone." His eyes had now overfilled with tears that were silently running down his face. He cried in a manner of one who was falling apart on their own might, quietly and without noise.

"You're not alone you have your team." I knew that wasn't enough. I was aware far more than I let on.

"I don't give a shit about my team Iwaizumi! The love of my life is supposed to be with someone else! What am I supposed to do with that!?" I have no idea. I honestly don't know how to help and I know everything I've just done has been anything but helpful for him. I'm sorry.

"Look I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you talk about it." I shouldn't have talked to him in general. Why have I talked like that to him? What made me think that was okay? I didn't mean to hurt him.

"I need to be alone. I'll bring back coffee you can wait here or go get new clothes or something. I don't care..." His voice trailed off at the end as he walked away. 

I'm sure that Oikawa Tooru is the most unfix-able man in the world at this point for I have never seen someone so broken.


	12. Chapter 11

**Makki Pov**

Iwaizumi had basically made Oikawa leave with him so that Matsukawa-san and I could talk. I was aware of why he had done it but the fact that he did made me feel very out in the open and exposed since I was now the only center of attention for Matsukawa-san. It felt wrong to keep looking at the floor when he was staring at me so intently from across the room. I had no words for him. I had nothing to say right now that I could say to him. 

"So you found me?" I brought my eyes to meet his and I nodded shortly before looking back at my feet. I hated being alone with him right now. It felt worse than the first time because talking felt like an obligation now and I had nothing. 

I could tell he wanted to say something else to me and that I was being difficult just sitting there and averting my eyes from his but I was scared. I had not wanted to cry in front of him because to me he was a stranger whom I had almost let die. 

"So you and I are soulmates?" I let out a very weak and mumbled noise of affirmation at his question. "You went in the ambulance with me?" 

"Yes." It came out small and shy and not at all like my usual speaking voice. 

"I thought they only let soulmates that knew eachother into ambulances with the injured person." That is something they do. That's exactly what they're supposed to do but this entire time at the hospital they've been assuming that because of our age and the statistic that we already know eachother. That we are already together. "But you don't know me." 

"They assumed." I did my best to look up at him while my voice was no longer soft and was now just shaky. It was not much of an improvement but it was surely something.

"So you've been here since yesterday?" I felt like I was doing a whole lot of nodding at him questions but it also felt less awful than staring at the floor. I had moved my chair slightly closer to the bed so he wasn't turning his neck so much to look at me.

"Yes. I haven't left." Even though I've thought about doing that countless times since the ambulance, I haven't. Everytime I looked at him I felt unbelievably awful and so I stayed put even though I kept telling myself there was no reason for me to stay here. He just looked so sad and unaware and I couldn't bring myself to leave no matter how painstakingly uncomfortable I felt.

"Does work know?" Oh? I had called work early this morning after talking with the nurses about his condition. I knew we'd get paid leave as it's mandated by the country that they do that for situations like this.

"Yes I called work for us. We're supposed to be out all week because that's when you can leave." Even though I really wanted to go to work since that was my only real distraction from this mess. 

"You're going to stay all week?" Oh... I have no idea. Honestly I don't want to stay all week but I'm looking at him and he just looks so expectant of me like he wants something, like he wants to say something, like he's hoping for something. 

"I hadn't thought about it much actually." So I couldn't say outright no. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him I'd rather be anywhere else but here so I said... maybe. Unfortunately it was becoming a maybe because everytime I looked at him I felt worse.

"I'd like if you'd stay but you really don't have to." Oh god and he said it. I might have just agreed to sty right then out of pure guilt but I thought of Tooru and knew that I might feel worse if I did without talking to him.

"Okay." Because that is not a yes and I can't bring myself to make a definite decision on anything right now.

"Thank you for being here so long." He was so nice and that was making this so much harder. I want desperately not to like him and to be able to feel nothing about leaving and turning him down but he makes that so hard. If he was more of an asshole I'd feel better.

"Of course." I gave him probably the weakest most pathetic smile after saying that. I tried very hard not to look like I'm upset but none of that was working because I'm sure my face was directly reflecting how much I hated this situation. "...umm Matsukawa-san how are your legs?" 

"My legs?" I had wanted to change the subject because this was the easiest thing for me to talk about right now but he seemed to have completely forgotten where we were.

"...from the accident are you in pain?" His eyes went wide with realization as he put together what and why I was asking.

"Oh! It doesn't hurt with the medicine. I think that's good though. I can't imagine how much it would hurt otherwise." I felt quite awful that he was in pain and that it was partly my fault that it was so bad. Sure he was a complete idiot who ran into electrified water but I hadn't immediately come to save him either.

"Right. Sorry." I averted my eyes from his face to his legs under the hospital sheets.

"Hanamaki whatever you think you did to hurt me... I'm okay really. I can see it on your face that you feel bad." I hate that he could read me without me saying anything. That has to be one of the most annoying things that he can see on my face that I feel poorly. I'm aware that we're soulmates and that him seeing something like that if normal but I want nothing of it.

"Oh. I didn't... that must make you uncomfortable." I can see how he's feeling because he for looking so neutral all the time has incredibly expressive eyes. He looks like a puppy the way his gaze had followed me all today looking so expectant and ready for attention I couldn't give him.

"No. You don't make me uncomfortable. I mean... I am uncomfortable because this is awkward but that's not really your fault." I think him pointing it out had made me feel better slightly that I wasn't the only one feeling so awkward. We both felt like this.

"It is very uncomfortable." I agreed and forced myself to look at him again. He had a very kind look about him and that made it hard for me to feel anything but nice feelings about him.

"I don't really know what to say about the situation and that is making this far worse than it has to be." I guess knowing that he was just as uncomfortable and lost as I was made me feel less like I was doing everything wrong. I knew I was still messing up but I was glad it wasn't just me who felt like that.

"I don't know what to say either. I mostly feel bad you're stuck here with just me till they get back." Because there is nothing I can say that will make you less uncomfortable with me.

"Why are you sorry?" ...Actually?

"Because this is wildly uncomfortable and I have nothing to talk about." He looked a bit confused at what I had said like he thought for any reason that it had been wrong. That this had not been one of the worst most uncomfortable experiences he's ever felt.

"Oh. I'm not sorry." That clears nothing up.

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean... I guess I feel bad for you because of a lot of reasons and that you're stuck here. Like... I know it's voluntary for you to be here but you must feel obligated and I'm sorry but mostly I think I'm happy. That feels insensitive though." How could he possibly be happy right now?

"Happy? For what reason? Isn't this like an actual nightmare for you?" He must know what a bad situation this is. There's no way he doesn't know that so why... why is he happy? That doesn't fit at all in my mind.

"Honestly?" What do you mean honestly? Isn't that a stupid question?

"I thought that's what we were doing. I wouldn't have responded like I did if we weren't being honest." I thought that was the entire point of us talking was that it wasn't fake.

"Honestly I was hoping it would be you that found me." He seemed so sure of himself but the statement made me feel cold. I was no longer less uncomfortable.

"What?" Was all that I could force out of my mouth at that moment while looking at him, wide eyed.

"I wanted it to be you. You that saved me because... because I wanted it to be you that was my soulmate."


	13. Chapter 12

** Mattsun Pov **

I had said that and I had meant it but when I saw his face I realized how truly little he wanted to be mine. He looked like he was scared and I had wanted to take back what I said. There was no good response he could have to this. I have no idea what to say next.

His eyes stayed locked on mine. I shouldn't have said that.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that through. I-"

"Please stop talking." That was not what I had expected him to say but I complied anyways because I had overstepped, I was aware. He continued to look at he clearly thinking about what to say next. "What did you expect me to say to that?"

"I'm not sure. I just said it without thinking." I didn't know how to apologize to him. How to explain that I hadn't meant it as pressure that it was supposed to be a compliment and how much I wished I was still passed put right now. 

"So you what? You have crush on me?" His voice was coated with disdain and I hated that. I never wanted that to be an emotion directed at me by Hanamaki. 

"Yes. I'm sorry. I'm not going to do anything. I know you have a partner already." His eyes softened at the obvious guilt in my voice and the promise I was making. Even though it had been me that had messed up he looked as though he felt bad.

"Okay." I was prepared to ask for forgiveness before he said that. He seemed mostly like he had just given up and accepted the topic.

"Okay?"

"If you aren't making moves on me then okay. I can't stop you from liking me. I'm aware that's unrealistic." That was the Hanamaki I knew. Not anywhere close to being as cheerful as I usual see him but he was understanding. When other people messed up he always helped. That was something I remembered liking about him.

"Does it bother you?" That was my main concern. That it would make him uncomfortable. That me having feelings for him would make him feel awkward around me and although to him we had just met I would surely not want to miss out on having him here.

"Well it certainly makes this more complicated than I thought it was." Of course. To him this was a complication. He had had a plan in mind for his future and I was extra. I was aware of that. I hadn't meant to take away from that.

"Right." But then he continue to talk on my feelings.

"Especially since I don't remember you at all. I'm not sure how you could like me if I didn't remember your name. You must have bad taste. You've got to have incredibly low expectations for how you're to be treated if you fell for me." Maybe... maybe I do if he hadn't even remembered my name but I still like him. Maybe I shouldn't. I think that would deter most people but I seemed to still like Hanamaki Takahiro quite a bit.

"If it makes you feel better you were always really nice. The you not knowing me is certainly a surprise however." I think that should bug me more than it does. Maybe it should just make sense however since he never called me by my name.

"I'm bad with names. I recognized your face kind of but that's it really." Yikes.

"That's not helping my self esteem Hanamaki." He gave a small smile at that. He seemed far less tense than before as he spoke again.

"Right. It's just odd. You seem like you have high expectations for me." He has no longer smiling but he didn't seem necessarily upset anymore. That made me feel far more at ease.

"I might." I do.

"Please don't. I don't want to break your heart." I have never meant to make him feel like that is something he needs to avoid. I think that if it's him who does it then it's okay. Maybe it shouldn't be but it is.

"Sorry." He sighed at that probably annoyed.

"You need to stop apologizing or I'm going to get mad." Definitely annoyed.

"Sorry." I didn't mean to say it again but I did. It felt like the right response but it might look like I wasn't listening.

"You look like a puppy when you look at me." I... I look like what?

"I look like a puppy?" A puppy? Is that supposed to be cute? Or... or what?

"Yes. You look like a puppy. You keep looking at me like you think I've done something great like you expect something great. Stop doing that." Oh. I think I'm just excited to be talking to him. 

"I'm sorry." I need to stop apologizing. He pointed it out. I need to stop.

"...don't do that." He furrowed his brow and pointed at me.

"Do what?" What am I doing?

"Look somewhere else." I... what? Why?

"But we're talking?" I couldn't just not look at him when we talked. I needed to look at him.

"You're distracting." I'm... distracting? What am I even doing?

"How?" He was being so non specific but he looked a bit serious about what he was saying.

"You can't keep looking at me like that." I have no idea how I'm looking at him. Am I being annoying?

"I'm trying." And doing poorly clearly.

"You're doing a poor job." I know.

"You're not telling me what I've done wrong though. I don't think I'm looking at you differently." I'm trying really hard to look at him normally. I don't know how I'm looking at him but he doesn't seem to enjoy it.

"You look at me like I've hung the stars in the sky. I don't know why you have some kind of idealistic idea of my in your head but you need to stop." Oh... oh. I felt like laughing at that. I was smiling when I spoke next.

"Maybe just the moon then." He looked confused at that.

"What?" I couldn't stop smiling at him I felt incredibly stupid doing so seeing as he wasn't but I couldn't stop.

"Maybe not the stars then. Maybe just the moon." He looked like he got it when I said that and a smile started on his face.

"Is that a joke?" Hopefully one you enjoy.

"Kind of." He was smiling genuinely now at that and he laughed. It was small but I had made him laugh. I wanted to keep doing that. I loved his laugh when I first heard it and I loved it now.

"You're something else." I'm not sure how I should take that.

"Good or bad?" He was smiling so I was hoping good.

"I'm deciding." ...deciding? On me? 

"I'll keep my fingers crossed." He seemed secretly judgy and I wanted nothing more than for him to like me. "Are you going to stay with me this week... since we have it off?" I'm secretly or not so secretly hoping he stays.

"You still want me to stay?" All the time. 

"Yes." He nodded at that and thought about it.

"...I'll stay. But just because I feel bad. We can be friends." He pointed at me as if he was adding to his point.

"I thought you were still deciding?" We're friends?

"This is your free trial of my friendship. You're welcome." He acts how I imagined he would with his friends. He had not ruined my expectations in the slightest.

"Oh. Thank you."


	14. Chapter 13

**Oikawa pov**

Walking down the street has never been more of a difficult and sickening task. I felt nothing. I felt empty. How can I feel empty? I wasn't aware that was a way I was capable of feeling. Maybe not nothing, maybe angry was an okay description. I did not want to _be_ angry but that was bubbling up within me and I could not stop it.

My thoughts had been drifting to things I could not possibly handle ruminating about. How was it possible that this was happening? I could feel my nails being shoved through my skin as I forced my fists to stay closed. This endless loop would play until I remembered it vividly and wholeheartedly but I did not want to have any part of these thoughts. I did not want to think about what Takahiro might do with Matsukawa if he left me but that was exactly what had been on my mind.

I made a sharp turn down an empty and small street and hit the wall. I turned and slid down said wall to sit and bury my head in my arms. 

"Fuck." I wouldn't have noticed my tears if they weren't coating my arms. I wouldn't have noticed my sharp, quick and sporadic inhalation of air if the surrounding area wasn't so quiet. The wind was loud and covering my ears over and over deafeningly. I could barely feel my hands at this point but that was okay. That was okay because they were bleeding anyways. 

In my mind they were touching and kissing and I could handle none of it. 

"Come on. Come on, stop." A poor attempt at trying to make myself switch my thoughts. To get myself to calm down.

"Come on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." I was closing my eyes so tightly that it physically hurt. I was no longer clenching my fists and instead hopelessly giving a death grip to the sides of my legs that my head was burrowed into. 

They were touching and kissing.

"Stop. Stop. Stop. Come on stop." Don't think about that. Think of something else. Think of something else. Think of anything else.

They progressed.

I can't handle this. I can't... I can't handle this. Come on Tooru. Come on breath. Just focus on something else. Think of anything else. The wind is loud. Think of that. Think about the noise. Just focus.

It's cold. I should have brought a jacket. I really can't do anything without Hiro's help. If he was here I would have been calm by now. I needed him here with me. That's all. I just needed him here with me. His company. His time. I wanted it all. 

But they're kissing and he's tugging on the ends of his shirt. 

My mind is racing and I can't stop this loop. Why won't it all just stop? Why does my head hurt so badly? The next thing I thought about made me physically ill. Was it okay to feel physically ill from your own thoughts? That I do not know but I do know that I'd like to throw up at the moment. 

His hand was under Hiro's shirt and I was crying on the floor. 

I suddenly could no longer handle my thoughts and I upturned the contents of my stomach into the bush next to me. That, for no reason at all had made me calm down slightly. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and collapsed back against the wall preparing myself to get coffee without bursting into tears. 

When the day comes that Takahiro does not love me I will not be prepared. Because for me, there is life, there is love and he is all of that, my chosen soulmate Hanamaki Takahiro, my one true love. 

Getting coffee was a task in itself, I ordered and while they prepared my order I went to the bathroom to use a paper towel and cold water to make my eyes less puffy. I looked more presentable and less like I had cried at the end of it and took my order and left down the street dreading seeing Iwaizumi in the waiting room. 

It took me far too long to have just gotten coffee but with the way I left I can't imagine he thinks that's all I did. I'm surprised he didn't run after me, he's so overbearing about my knee. But that's probably because of his job. In fact maybe I shouldn't be surprised, Iwaizumi Hajime is the type to tear someone down after a traumatic experience. I would know. 

He makes me unreasonably upset at this moment for not only his comforting skills but the fact that it was all things that could be true. I hate that he brought it up. It was inconsiderate and that much I know for sure. 

When I got to the hospital and to the waiting room of the floor we were on Iwaizumi was sitting arms folded on one of the chairs staring straight ahead. He looked upset. He looked angry. He looked hurt. Over what, I do not know but I do know I had almost wanted to say something to him about it. _Almost_. Before remembering how he treated me and then instead I stomped over and pushed the coffee into his now opened arms. 

"Hi."


	15. Chapter 14

**Iwaizumi Pov**

I had genuinely thought about rushing after him when he left on his own, thought when I remember how hurt he looked and I remember that it was my fault, I think i made the right choice. Though 45 minutes is a long time to just get coffee. I felt impatient waiting for him in the waiting room all alone. Impatient for him to come back, for whatever happens in the hospital room with Mattsun and Hanamaki. Impatient for it all to play out, and that impatience turned to nervousness the longer I sat with it. 

If it all played out like I had originally hoped then Hanamaki and Mattsun will end up as lovers but that doesn't feel like the best case scenario any longer. ...Because what about Oikawa. I'm aware he has a soulmate but how can that be the answer if he's so clearly in love, with eyes only for Hanamaki? How can that be the best case scenario? How can I tell myself that no one is getting hurt then? I felt stupid to have ever doubted their love. I felt stupid to have riled him up like I did at such a poor time. 

I was sitting with my arms folded in a chair far from the entry way and close to the hallway leading to the rooms. I heard footsteps nearing me and I unfolded my arms when I looked up and had a tray of coffee forced into my hands. 

"Hi." Oikawa. 

Oikawa looked like a bit of a mess but I'm sure to most other people he looked just as gorgeous as usual. He stepped away from me and brushed his hand through his hair, effectively straightening it out to it's usual flipped up and bouncy demeanor. 

"You got coffee." He whipped back around and glared at me. 

"Obviously. I literally told you I would." That's true. I shouldn't be surprised but he did come back sooner than most people would have after what I said. He was a lot stronger than I gave him credit for.

"Well... yes but thanks." I'm really quite relieved honestly. I was nervous he was in danger for a minute. That he wasn't coming back. All not rightfully so. 

"Let's just go back into the room. We're already late." He turned and we showed the staff our visitor passes and escaped down the hallway.

"I know." I can already tell that was a bad response by the way his shoulders tensed up at it. I couldn't see his face but I was well aware that he was annoyed with me.

"I'm not sure if you just enjoy being an asshole or if you just want to make me in particular feel bad but the correct response is sorry." I'm sure that by my responses he must think I hate him. That I'm attacking him specifically. I did like him enough not to do that. To not respond how I do. But I kept doing it anyways. Why, I do not know.

"It's not my intention." I could feel the rolled eyes that went with that.

"Well for not trying you seem to be damned good at it." We stopped at Mattsun's room and he stepped aside for me to get the door. I'm not sure if that was done our of nervousness of passive aggressive anger but he seemed displeased all the same. 

I opened the door to Hanamaki and Mattsun sitting idly as if in need of direction with both their heads snapping to look at the door. 

I didn't realize how wrong I'd been in a complete sense about Oikawa and Hanamaki till I saw Hanamaki's reaction to Oikawa stepping through the door. How can someone look so in love with another person? How can that be visible on their face? Is it possible to feel so strongly about something? Hanamaki looked at Oikawa like he was the only other person in the room and he relaxed completely. He looked relieved to see him. To no longer be away from him. To be in his presence. 

"We're back." Oikawa spoke after we made our way into the room with the door shut behind him. "Iwaizumi didn't actually ask what everyone likes when he made us leave the room so I got you two lattes." He took two of the cups from the tray I was holding and handed one to Hanamaki. 

"Vanilla." Hanamaki spoke after tasting his drink. He looked up at Oikawa with a sentimental and slightly pained expression that was flooded by love the moment they met eyes.

"Yeah. It's what you always get, right? I hope I didn't mess it up this one time." I had never seen Oikawa look soft before. He always seemed hard and intense and even broken he looked strong. Though right now all he was was in love with Hanamaki Takahiro. I could see that now.

"It's right. Thank you." Oikawa just smiled at him lovingly and nodded. He made his way to the table next to where his chair was placed and set down the cup. He came back to me and took one of the other cups from the tray. 

"I thought you got that we were passing things out?" He looked at me like I was stupid. I'm not sure why I felt the need to watch their interaction. Or why it had made me feel so absolutely depressed to watch. I can't imagine what Mattsun, who is actually in love with Hanamaki must be feeling right now knowing he's slowly taking these two apart. Intentional or other wise. 

He made his way to Mattsun's bed side. "How are your hands?" 

I had not expected Oikawa to speak to Mattsun. In fact no one had expected it by the rest of the reactions. Mattsun looked taken a back as he spit out his un-formed response.

"My hands?" Mattsun was shocked by the interaction they were now having and probably by the fact that Oikawa didn't look angry. He just looked intense and concerned when he spoke.

"Are they in pain or burnt? I haven't seen them and I'm not going to give this to you if it will hurt, Matsukawa-san." Even though I know he must be forcing himself to do this. That he must want nothing more than to yell at Mattsun he stood their calmly and spoke like he would to anyone else. Tooru Oikawa has amazing resolve.

"Oh. My hands are fine. They aren't damaged." Oikawa nodded and held out the latte for Mattsun to take.

"Okay. Here then. If you feel like anything hurts let me know and I'll get the doctor for you. He said eating and drinking was fine but that doing it slowly was recommended." Everyone in the room looked surprised by the amount of care and helpfulness that went into that statement. I have no idea how Oikawa had looked so put together just now but I have never been more concerned for or impressed by one person before.

"Umm thank you." 

"Of course."


	16. Chapter 15

**Makki Pov**

After finishing the coffee they had brought us in an awkward silence of solely drinking noises and cups hitting table I made eye contact with Tooru. He was not so subtly staring at me from his chair. Since talking to Matsukawa-san I knew I needed to speak to Tooru. 

"Hey do you want to go get clothes with me?" I turned and spoke to him in an attempt to break the ice that I felt forming around the air in the room. 

All he did was nod which wouldn't have been unusual if we weren't around other people. Nodding with just me in the room would have been normal. It would have been okay that he was quiet. I could feel his discomfort from here from the silence alone. 

He went to the door and I followed suit. I turned to Matsukawa-san who was looking at me expectantly. Like he wanted me to say something. Him and his large puppy eyes.

"I'll be back tonight like I promised. Iwaizumi-san can take care of you for a few hours." He smiled at me like he was glad to be looking at me. I turned to Iwaizumi, "I'll have Tooru give me your number and you can tell me if you guys want anything before I come back." 

With that I left out the door and met Tooru in the hallway. We walked awkwardly side by side out of the hospital. Without words the entire way back to our apartment. 

It wasn't that I had nothing to say. In fact I had quite a lot to say but I couldn't get any of it out. Not when I was looking at him. Not when he looked so torn apart. 

Eventually when we got to the front door he opened and held the door for me to walk in first. It was a small gesture during our current states but I appreciated it nonetheless. How he could be so caring in a time like this. 

When we got inside we stayed awkward for a while. It put me in an awkward position to know we were both dying to speak but couldn't force anything out. Mostly because when I looked at Tooru he looked as if he spoke then tears would follow immediately. I could not handle that. 

"Hiro. Do you want to use one of my bags to put clothes in?" I was looking away from him, sitting on the floor in front of one of our dressers with a shirt in my hands. I tensed when he spoke and turned to see him slowly. He was just as kind to me as the day I met him. I'm not sure why he was that day or why he was now but I always appreciated. 

"Umm yes please. I like the light blue one." He nodded and went off into the closet to fish it out. He came back and placed it next to me and then sat down beside me. "Tooru." 

He made a noise of affirmation but did not look up at me. He kept his eyes on the dresser we were in front of. 

"I won't go back if you want me to stay." And I meant that. If Tooru had asked me to stay there would have been no question about where I'd be sleeping tonight. I admittedly felt bad about going to see Matsukawa-san and leaving Tooru. I felt awful about it. Especially now, sneaking glances at him, who looked so somber that his hurt was just seeping onto the floor.

"I know. But he'd be waiting." He spoke carefully like he was choosing his words and not wanting to say all that was on his mind. He did not want to ask me to stay because he knew that was not the correct thing to do. For someone like him who would be considered selfish in anyone else's eyes, he had a strong moral compass when it came to our relationship.

"You don't want me to go though." I could see him clenching his jaw and biting back his words. There were things he would not dare say out loud but I wanted him to scream. I wanted him to yell at me and tell me what was wrong. I wanted him to get angry and cry and tell me he's hurt because I cannot just keep sitting here and watching him do that all on the inside instead.

"No. But he's injured and he clearly wants to talk to you and I think you'd feel bad if you didn't go back. So I'm not going to ask you to stay." I would feel bad if I didn't go back to Matsukawa-san tonight like I promised. I would feel like I was hurting him in some type of way. He's already hurt and I would feel bad if I hurt him more than that.

"I still want to see you before you fly out next week." I tried to make that seem positive. That I wasn't seeing him. I wanted to spend all my time with him.

"I know." But he knew all that. I didn't have to say it. He already knew. It didn't make me feel any better that he knew, especially when I felt so sick speaking to him. Is that correct? I've never felt physically ill while talking to some one. It feels like my heart has dropped to my stomach.

"I'll make sure we see eachother before you leave next week for the tournament." I can do that much at least for you.

"Okay." I hate how silent he is. It's putting me in physical pain for him to talk so little right now.

"Tooru?" And all I could think.

"Yes?" All I could say was-

"I'm sorry."


	17. Chapter 16

** Oikawa Pov  **

"You've done nothing to me Takahiro." He's done nothing to apologize to me for. My heart is broken but that had nothing to do with him or what he's done to me. 

"I wanted it to be you." Oh... "I hate that it's not you." I wanted it to be me too... I wanted it to be us. I wanted to spend the rest of my life knowing I was put here to be in love with you. That's what I wanted. 

"I love you." I love him more than I can possibly comprehend. And if we are not meant to be then is that wrong and does he think so?

"I know I know.... I love you too. I just-" You just aren't meant to be with me. How can that be something real in this world? It feels wrong to say even in my head. So it must be wrong.

"But he's your soulmate?" And you could fall in love with him just as you have with me. All you'd have to do is make that choice. And selfishly I want you to choose me.

"No that's that's not it I just... I don't know what to do now." I don't know how you could. Everything feels like the wrong decision. How can you be happy now Takahiro? What can I do to make you happy now...?

"I know. I want it to be you too." But-

"I don't know what I'm doing though- because-" Because we've somehow ended in this complicated situation and even if you choose to stay with me, even if that makes you happy, you'll be thinking all the more that there was someone else for me just as I'll be thinking that there was someone else for you.

"Because I have someone else too?" He nodded in a sad way of realization and he had not wanted me to know that.

"Yes." And even if I say this now it will still not be enough...

"I don't mean to say this to pressure you but Hiro... I don't want anyone else. I just want you." And I know that I can't mean that if I do not know who I am meant to be with but right now I mean it fully.

"You know... when I found out that there was someone else that was my soulmate I was angry. I was really really mad and I wanted to hate him. Whoever was screwing everything up. I want to hate him so so badly. I want him to do anything to piss me off so I can say, 'there this is why we can't be together'..." But you can't say that can you? Because how could he say anything wrong if he's perfect for you?

"But he's wonderful isn't he? He's been nothing but sweet to you..." And if you hated him then that would not have been his fault in the slightest. So you can't and that is ruining you.

"And so I don't know what to do." And neither do I.

"Takahiro... if... if you think at all that you don't want to end up with me then I'd like you to tell me and we can go on a break till you figure it out but... Hiro? I love you and I know for certain I don't want anyone else no matter who it is. So... you have my answer." I want him like the sea need the moon to move the tides and the moon needs the sun to shine. I want him desperately and I love him like that as well. An all consuming way that now makes me want to tear myself apart because it is not mine to have. None of it is.

"I want you." And if you don't?

"Okay... if that changes... I hope I'm the first to know." I could no longer keep my eyes open to stop the tears as they overflowed from my eyes to my face as they had done earlier today. They ran endlessly down my cheeks in a painful way that burned hot. In an obvious way that made Takahiro's face fall with mine as he cried with me.

"I want to be with you and I hate seeing you cry because you're so good at holding it together all the time and you don't deserve to be sad. I just want you to smile and be okay and I hate that you might be in pain because of me. I love you, I love you, I love you." He fell into me with a hug so tight it hurt and hands grasping at the back of my shirt. I no longer felt strong. And my arms felt weak as I tried to hold him. I wanted to hold him and keep him and tell him over and over that I was his and that I loved him.

"Hiro... I know. I love you too." But I could not keep him selfishly tonight as I had done these past seven years. "You should leave soon though if you want to be there before you can't be let into his room for the night to keep your promise." I could not keep him because I was no longer the only one waiting for him.

"I know... I just... I just want to look at you a little bit longer." He sat back and held my face in his hands doing his best to wipe the tears from my eyes. 

"Okay. I'm all yours." I meant that.

"You have gorgeous eyes." He store deeply into me in a way I had not known you could look at a person. He knew things from my eyes that no one else would dare to remember and I did not know how to give him back the time he's spent memorizing those stories our gazes have shared.

"You've said this." And I hope he meant it.

"I'm saying it again. I love your eyes." He let go of my face and kept his eyes on mine. "You have my entire heart Tooru..." 

"And you have mine. Shall we pack more than just clothes?" I felt if I did not let him leave now then I would not have the heart to let him leave at all.

"I'd appreciate it. I wasn't paying attention when we were packing before." I know that. I say him nervous and terrified and wanting to speak.

"Don't worry. You should be comfortable enough in what I chose." 

Takahiro and I spent the next hour packing up the bag he needed and a backpack filled with snacks and toiletries. He was a bit less quiet than before but the overall tension of the situation was still there. I think it would continue to be there until we figured more things out. He promised over and over to visit me a few more times before I left japan for my tournament. 

He had never looked so nervous to be letting go of my hand as he left through the front door.


	18. Chapter 17

**Makki Pov**

I left Tooru and made my way to my car, tears resuming their way down my face. I wondered if he was doing the same thinking of me like I was him. I felt the straps on my bag tightly as if that was all I had. The drive to the hospital was silent save for the heavy breathing from the crying. I sat in the car for a while looking at myself in the overhead mirror trying to stop myself from crying and telling myself I couldn't go in looking like that. Tissues did nothing but stop the tears. I'm sure my eyes very somewhat puffy but there wasn't much I could do. 

I made my way inside with my bags and re checked in at the front desk. I took my "badge" of recognition to show I was a guest and headed down the hallway. 

When I walked back into Matsukawa's room at the hospital I saw Iwaizumi was already gone. "Has Iwaizumi-san left?" His eyes tracked me as I walked across the room and put my bags down on one of the chairs. 

"He left half an hour ago." I sat down on a chair farther from the bed than previously. Now that we were alone I felt far more uncomfortable that I previously did. The fact that no one was coming in made me nervous.

I had honestly wished Iwaizumi had stayed because I do not know what to say. "Of course." I took my laptop out to do something other than stare blankly at the floor. 

Matsukawa-san made a coughing noise before proceeding to speak, "Work called me to tell me that we were off for the week... not that you didn't already know that but they were just- confirming...." He trailed off after I didn't look up to meet his eyes. 

I had said we could be friends but actually doing that was much harder than I thought especially feeling like this. I felt... empty. 

He moved in his bed clearly trying to sit up and made a noise of pain and discomfort. My eyes immediately snapped up to him when he did that and I closed my laptop and went over to his bedside. "Are you okay? Do you need help?" 

"Do I just need to be in pain for you to pay attention to me Hanamaki?" He was smiling but I knew he meant it. I honestly hadn't talked to him for any other reason than he might be in pain. I didn't to need or want to speak at the moment even though I was usually quite good at making conversation and being lighthearted. And that... that was all he must have known me as.

I'm sure my eyes were wide looking at him with my hands on the side of the bed. "Maybe. At least I know what to say then." It's easy to talk when it's about something when it's impersonal.

He seemed...disappointed by the fact that I said that. "You don't want to talk to me do you? Can I ask why? Have I done something?" Everything he said was so genuine. He looked at me like he was studying everything I did and looking for something to hold onto. Something I did that would let him be closer to me. Like a child who takes a liking to you or stray dog you can't get rid of. Like I was the only one who had ever been nice or polite to him so I was all there was to him.

And the worst part is I don't remember a thing about him and that makes me feel infinitely worse. "I- no. God I hate that you're nice. It's just- No, you've done nothing." I'm not sure he could do something wrong if he tried and somehow I don't enjoy that fact at all.

"I'm sure that's not true Hanamaki. Are you okay?" How are we back to that? How could he possibly ask me that right now?

I let out a long sigh and looked at him in the eyes clearly for the first time since I got back. "Please don't ask me that when you're in a hospital bed. I feel like a complete asshole being upset about anything when you look like that." I expected him to be annoyed with how I was acting or anything else but he just seemed concerned with me. If anything right now he seemed happy that I was speaking to him. His expectations were so incredibly low.

His smile returned when he spoke next. "It's not that bad." 

Of course it's bad. "I wouldn't have had to find you if it wasn't that bad." We wouldn't be talking if it wasn't bad. I still wouldn't know your name if it wasn't bad.

There was that look of admiration again as if what I had said was profound or in some way enlightening. "Ah, I guess you're right. I'm not dead though or going to have any serious repercussions so it's fine." That is not how you should be thinking. The point is you could have died. Please complain.

"But you're not okay. Can you just- not focus on me? Matsukawa-san please just- focus on yourself. I'm here because of you. You're in pain, you can barely move, so stop looking at me and worrying and just ask for something for yourself." Tell me what you need because I can't sit here the entire week looking at you and waiting for you to be upset. You should be upset. You almost died. There must be some emotion around that topic.

Matsukawa seemed as if worrying for himself made no sense at all. As if he couldn't possibly fathom the thought of that. Not if I was there. He had some kind of hero complex toward me that I didn't know how to stop. "I didn't want to cause too much trouble for you Hanamaki. I can see I've already done that but I don't want to do it again." Troubling me? Is that what he's thinking?

I barely know him and yet he can read me incredibly well. I wish that wasn't the case. "Please just- complain or something. I can't help you like this." I don't know what you want from me because honestly I don't know how to be your friends.

The look of awkwardness and discomfort flashed across his face before speaking. "I just didn't want to be alone... that's why I wanted you to stay." You want company... but that's not all you want and you can't ask for that, can you? You can't tell me what you really want.

You want to talk. "But you want to talk to me?" You want to speak to me. And you won't say that so you've just been looking at me with you wide puppy like eyes. 

He nodded in a way that seemed shy, not that he overall was shy. In fact he looked as though he may have been assertive if i wasn't speaking to him. "I've heard you talk thousands of times but not to me... not really. I knew you and you'd talk but... you don't remember. So now that I'm here I just... want to hear you talk and I want you to remember... if that's okay." You are incredibly difficult Matsukawa-san.

"You really can't ask for anything can you?" I felt like I might have been smiling at him but I'm sure it was awkward and I'm sure I looked tired and sad as well. But he was just as awkward right now and so maybe that was okay.

He shook his head slightly in a slow way before returning my smile. "Not from you." Not from me.

How can I do anything for you Matsukawa-san when what you want is something so small that I can barely deliver on? "If you want to talk to me then you need to say something because I don't know a thing about you or what to say." 

"Okay... I'll talk."


	19. Chapter 18

**Mattsun Pov**

After telling him I'd speak I drew a blank. Of course I had wanted to speak to him and tell him all kinds of things and have that continue on and on throughout the week... but what could I say. What could I say, really, that wasn't surface level or not okay to ask in this situation? Was there anything outside of that realm that I could say to him? 

So I asked, "How are you feeling?" as if the answer wasn't obvious just by looking at him. As if I didn't know. As if none of that was apparent and I had no clue. 

Hanamaki stared back at me confused before furrowing his eyebrows, breathing out and settling his face trying to respond. "Matsukawa-san is that what you want to talk about?" Was he disappointed with me? I couldn't tell. The way he looked felt so... wrong?

I too had not liked what I had asked but I had done it to fill the air with something other than tension. "Apparently. Yes." Apparently I had wanted to make Hanamaki uncomfortable and so I had asked a question I knew he wouldn't like. God, was there anyway I could go back and think of something else.

He seemed to fully understand I regretted that and had not meant to make him uncomfortable. "I can wait for you to figure out something else if this isn't what you want to talk about." I had meant to make Hanamaki feel comfortable as all times but why was I not doing that now? And why did he look so... okay? He looked tired, yes. He looked like he needed sleep and incredibly sad at the moment but withe what I was saying he didn't seem the slightest bit uncomfortable... though maybe I can't read him yet. If anything I was uncomfortable.

Hanamaki had sad and dulled eyes and must have cried before coming here. Yes, he was gorgeous but the blanket of depression he wore around him made me feel sick. "Well... I'd always like to know how you're doing but that feels incredibly insensitive to make you talk about." It felt insensitive because I was certain I was the last person he wanted to talk to. 

Hanamaki put his arms folded on the side of the bed and laid his head down to look at me. A gesture I imagined he would not do if he wasn't inexplicably tired. "Matsukawa-san in the nicest way possible please stop worrying about me. I'll tell you if I don't want to answer your questions or if you make me uncomfortable. I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do, just to please you." Oh. I hadn't imagined he would do that but I also hadn't imagined he would say it allowed.

I do have a request for him if it's something I'm not pressuring him into. "Then can you please stop calling me 'Matsukawa-san'? It feels wrong somehow. My last name is fine but just- honorifics from you is too much." I had been hearing him call me 'Matsukawa-san' for far too long and it felt wrong each time. Maybe because I wanted to know him. Maybe because I wanted him to call me by my name and that it meant he was in fact not comfortable with me or not enough to do otherwise.

I wanted things from him that he could not give me please give me my last name at least. "You don't want me to be polite?"

I had never wanted someone to be so informal with me. I want him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling and to call me by my name. "In all sense of the word, no." I did not want formalities. Not from him. Never from him.

He looked as if he was processing what I was saying. "So just... just Matsukawa? That's fine?" Always, from you.

"If you would, yes." 

He looked my up and down before deciding on my request. "Then Matsukawa ask me something that isn't how I'm doing." Somehow hearing my name from his lips felt far more satisfying then it had with anyone else before. I'd be okay hearing that over and over again.

I thought for a minute before deciding on something. "What's your favorite color?" It might have been far too basic but I wanted to know regardless. I want to know lots of things about Hanamaki that I knew I'd have to wait to ask.

I could see his face break into a smirk, "Oh? We're starting off so intense." 

Maybe it was lame as starting question. "It just came to mind." Tell me everything about you Hanamaki. I think I'd like most things if they came from Hanamaki's lips.

Hanamaki might not have thought it was lame because he smiled. "It's pink." He smiled even if it was small, it was there. 

Had he dyed his hair because he liked the color? "Like your hair?" I had always liked Hanamaki's hair. It was different from everyone else's. It didn't necessarily make him stand out but it did make him more distinct to me.

He took one of his hands and brushed it through his hair before settling back to where he was. "Does it still look pink? Tooru said it was more light brown now but maybe it's not all faded." I had just always seen it as pink. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be?

I could see the tiredness in Hanamaki's eyes as we conversed. I almost felt bad for keeping him awake. "Is it not supposed to be pink?" He was staying up with me for my sake I imagined and that was something that I could not possibly comprehend.

His eyes fluttered open and shut slowly as he answered. "It was pink at one point. Not so much now. Now it's more... unhealthy pink grass." Pink grass? I had known Hanamaki made many jokes and many at his own expense but I had never thought of any part of Hanamaki to be anything less than gorgeous.

And his hair was no exception to that rule. "I thought it looked like the sunset." That's what I had always imagined and seen it as. He was bright but his hair reminded me o the pink in a sunset I had once seen and never happened to forget.

I had not meant that in a flirtatious way. I had just been saying what was on my mind but maybe Hanamaki took it differently. Or maybe with how tired he was he didn't take it at all. "How charming. So, what's your favorite color?" With how he had written off my comment I felt a bit more at ease.

"Green." 

He rolled his eyes at that. "That's vague. What kind of green?" Vague??

Were we not both vague in our statements? I had not assumed we'd need it more detailed. "It's not vague. You said pink." And if we were going to not be vague I'd want him to tell me his in specifics as well.

A long sigh came from his mouth before he spoke next. "Yes, but I like all pinks equally except for pastel because that is atrocious." He doesn't like pastel? I always thought pastel was pretty.

How can he hate pastel? "You hate pastel pink?" 

He furrowed his brows in a way that looked as if he might have been annoyed. "We're talking about your specific favorite color of pink, Matsukawa. What color?" If he had not said my name I may have been compelled to ask him once more on his opinions. The power he held over me by saying my name was remarkable. 

"Dark green. Like... Christmas trees." Like Christmas trees and the forest. Something about that I liked and had drawn me in and not let go. 

Hanamaki's eyes traced over mine. "Specific." I couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking at any given time but right now he seemed content with whatever interaction we had just had.

"I thought so." 

He got up from his current position and sat back in his chair. "Pick another question." 

"Why do you write?" I saw an emotion I could not quite decide on flash across his face and I knew immediately that had not been something I should have asked.

"Next question." 


	20. Chapter 19

** Oikawa Pov **

If I was younger I might not have been able to tell you what it feels like to be alone when you should be held in company. I would be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that I had no idea how it felt to not be with Hanamaki Takahiro. I could do that because in all honesty I had forgotten how it felt to be without him. I had forgotten how completely depressing and sad I was before he came to me. And if I'm staying honest I'd say I don't want to remember. 

Do you know how it feels? Because to me, lying here in bed knowing I'm going to leave again tomorrow, I feel cold. Knowing all I'll be able to do is see him once more before I leave brings me into a kind of pain I can't describe. How should I be so cold in my own company? I hadn't wanted to thrive off of the people around me but I was doing that. Wasn't I? I was watching things I had fall from my hands with no way to stop it. 

I don't know what the right answer would be to my situation. I've thought it over hundreds of times since Takahiro left as the beginning of the week. What was right? And what was right for me? Those were two completely different answers.

I'll see him tonight, he had promised to take me to the airport and see me off before my flight. he and I had barely spoken this week save for the one time I saw him before he had to go back to the hospital. I felt incredibly useless without him. Was that normal? To feed off of the attention of others like I do? 

I spent my entire day waiting for him to pick me up. I had already packed during the week, as I had nothing to do. When he got there I felt myself feeling empty for some reason. I trust him, I do. I trust that while at the hospital Takahiro did nothing but help Mattsun and keep him company. I- I trust him. Tooru... he loves you so why... 

why do I doubt his love right now? 

He came a little less bright holding his hands out, clearly tired waiting on the other side of the open door for me. "I'm here to deliver you to your preferred destination." He spoke in a way that seemed almost like a joke. He was playful as usual.

My preferred destination? "My preferred destination is with you." I don't want to leave at all and at the moment I hate my job because it is without Takahiro.

He smiled at me as if I was the prettiest thing in the room. "Ah- I was given different delivery instructions and previous you out ranks current you. So we are off to the airport, are you packed?" I wasn't sure if he was tying to smile or if he was doing his best not to look sad or if he was genuine. I would have been able to tell if I wasn't so insecure in this moment. I hate myself sometimes for being like this.

"Of course I'm packed." 

He was smirking and that at least was genuine. "Look at you." 

Somehow that was insulting. Of course I had packed. "Don't be surprised that's mean." And it was a joke, and I was glad to see it happen. He had not been like this last week when everything happened. In fact, we had both been out of sync since what happened.

And even so, he would be wonderful to me. "I'm going to get your bags, in the bedroom?" Even when he wasn't doing well he would treat be wonderfully. Even when everything around us was bad we were never harmful to eachother. The deep care and love I felt for him made getting seriously mad at him difficult.

"Yes. Thank you." He walked away into the bedroom.

He returned with my suitcase and bag. "Anything for you my prince." Hiro winked at me and came to kiss me, soft as usual.

He was doing all this for what? To make up for our lost time this week? Whatever it was he didn't need to try so hard. "Hiro, you're trying too hard." I can't tell if he wants to or not.

This didn't phase him in the slightest and all he did was wink back at me. "I'm not nearly at full charm Tooru, I can go at least 40% harder at this." We took our leave out the front door.

If I wasn't so emotionally exhausted I would have egged him on but with Hiro, "I am much too tired to fully appreciate it." With Hiro I can decline and not feel poorly about it. Because he will understand.

"Then maybe when you get back I'll have to show off." 

"Please do."

We spent an hour in the car together. One wonderful hour that let me clear my head and enjoy the moment. I had forgotten everything around me and was so focused on Takahiro that I almost forgot I was about to leave and that he would be left alone and our entire situation. For that one hour it was just Takahiro and I. He had that effect on me. Pure joy is what I felt. I was completely at ease because he was safe.

When we got out of the car and took my luggage to the check point Takahiro and I found Iwaizumi who was waiting for me with my ticket. It had come time to say goodbye and I was less than prepared.

Takahiro held my hands in his own warm hands grasping to my own. I would not let go first. "I'll be here waiting for you when you get back." He'll be waiting... he'll wait for me. How long? Is two weeks two long for me to be gone in this situation? Can I leave for so long? 

But when I look into his eyes he seems honest and genuine. I have never trusted someone more than I do Takahiro... so why do I doubt him? "Do you promise?" I feel sick to ask that. I know he means it but... I have to ask.

When did I become so paranoid? I don't remember being like this yet- yet I ask him things like this. I ask when I know the answer. What kind of reassurance am I looking for? I know I'll question it anyways... so why ask at all? "Yes of course. I'll wait for you. I promise." How can I ask him to comfort me now? How can I ask for him to promise me something when I won't believe it anyways?

I'm sorry for asking. "Okay. I love you." 

And at least when he says this... I believe him. "I love you too. Don't be late to your flight. Bye Iwaizumi." He waved over my shoulder to Iwaizumi who was waiting for me and then he leaned in closer to wrap his arms around me. "Goodbye Tooru, I'll see you soon." 

Don't say goodbye to me. I won't be able to walk away.


	21. Chapter 20

** Iwaizumi Pov **

I could barely handle the plane ride over to where our tournament was. What was the correct thing to say to him in this situation? Even though he had sat next to me on the plane I was sure he did not want to speak to me. Oikawa, unlike the rest of the team could be very introverted at times. For no reason at all I thought. He seemed to thrive off of having other people around him but he also acted as if that didn't matter to him at all. 

I had completely forgotten that Oikawa and I were going to be in a room together at the hotel. Before all of this he had said how it was no problem and offered to share with me. But now I'm not sure he feels that way. Is it normal to feel so awful for something like this? It's not as if he has said that I hurt him or shown any sign of trying to make me feel poorly but- but why does it hurt to look at him. Why does he look so incredibly sad and why do I hate that so much? All I need is to not focus on him. Though that is becoming increasingly more difficult as he sits across the room from me. "Oikawa." His deep eyes seemed darker in the lighting of the room. 

They seemed even darker when he brought them to meet my own. There was a kind of hurt in them I couldn't place, it bordered on anger. "Iwaizumi." I had prepared nothing to warrant me wanting to speak to him. Somehow I felt as if I should be nervous of him and the situation. 

How intense he looked. Walking on egg shells I spoke. "I didn't mean to say what I did to you the other day." If you're hurt... I didn't mean that either. I meant for- I don't know what I meant for.

Oikawa breathed in and out and made the effort to keep eye contact with me. If he was annoyed he didn't show it. Not in a way he usually would. "Didn't mean it how?" He saw the confused look on my face and continued. "You didn't mean it at all or you feel badly because I look sad, Iwaizumi. Which one?" Did I mean it? When I said it had I meant to say they would never be in love and that it couldn't have been real? Did I mean that? Partly... but also no. Maybe I was taking it out on him, my frustrations. I have nothing to be frustrated about. He should be mad. If he could just tell me he's upset- if he would just-

"Both." 

He was fake, I knew that but when he smiled and gave some sort of laugh mocking my words I really couldn't tell how sincere his smile was. "God, don't pity me. You might be god awful at comforting people but I don't need any sympathy. I'm just fine on my own, thanks." And for no reason at all even with his smile and sarcastic tone his eyes were still dark. Should they have looked that way to me or was I really getting so far into my head that I was seeing things like that. Things I shouldn't be looking for. 

I wanted to go along with his laugh and act as if how he felt, how I felt was both the normal way we'd act. I wanted to but how can I ignore him? "How do you want me not to pity you when you look like that?" Why is it that I can't ignore him any longer? It disgusts me, detests me, makes me feel an indescribable rage to be so focused on nothing but the man in front of me. The man who looks so broken and close to giving up, why have I not stepped away?

And I was snapped out of my thoughts by him. "Look like what Iwaizumi? Tell me what you think I look like." The words that came out of my mouth were mumbled and I myself could barely understand them. He laughed at me and stood up. "I'm just messing with you. I'll be back I'm going to the vending machine." He made a confident and quick exit through the door.

The way he acted made me want to believe it was not an act that Oikawa Tooru was going to walk back into this room with all the boldness and self certainty he had once walked into my life with. Though after a few years of knowing him I could see when he was injured, be that physically or emotionally, I could tell. He was in pain and part of it- part of it was my fault. 

_It was more my fault than I_ _realized_ _at that moment._

And when he came back into the room it was the same, he acted as if we were the same. He was just Tooru and I was just Hajime and we were just two people working together and getting along. I was just an athletic trainer and he was just a player on the team I worked for. Wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough to stand here next to him and speak to him? Fixing him should never have been apart of my agenda and yet- I'm his doctor. 

This week will pass and I will be no closer to helping Oikawa than he is to Hanamaki. He is entirely out of my reach at this point and I feel he has no intention of letting me close that gap. It can't just be guilt that drives my passion toward him. Might it be I feel some sense of duty to him? A need to fulfill some sort of role I don't yet see? Does Oikawa Tooru mean so much to me that I would continue to follow him to ensure his own well being? Is this what it feels like to fall in love?

"Iwaizumi what are you staring off into space for?"


End file.
